It is Sunday, so now for a bit of a spiritual rant. It is intentionally obtuse.
I yelled at God last night. Probably an understatement. Afterwards I prayed for forgiveness, not really meaning it, for which I also asked for forgiveness. That little cycle went on for a couple of rounds, and then I got angrier. And that's the frame of mind I was in when I finally went to sleep on the sofa after hours of trying. Then I got a confused return call from a friend who I had accidentally called as I tossed and turned on top of my phone which was in my pocket. That call woke me back up, and the whole process began again.
So after my brief nap I was still angry as I headed to church to worship this morning. I would like to say it got better, but it hasn't. Why shouldn't I be angry with God? I already hear Sunday School answers: God is with us in times of trial, all things work for good for those who love the Lord, He has been through it all before, He has a plan for us, consider the birds of the air or the lilies of the field, just as a few examples. I could go on.
Then why all the pain? Why all the mystery? What is my role in this relationship with God? What is God's role?
Sometimes I get tired of making apologies for God. I believe in Him, and make no bones about it. But I am hurting right now (it doesn't matter why), as do millions and billions of others. And who started it all, knowing all, which I assume includes the pain and hurt? Where is God, the creator, in all this? No, really, where is He? I do have friends that try to help, and the most helpful ones simply acknowledge that they can't but they wish they could. They cannot take the pain away. But God could. He just won't.
As I have said before, it is hard to be in a relationship with someone who is never wrong. And if I believe anything about God, it is that God is never wrong. So I have to assume that this pain that only seems to grow stronger is something that is supposed to be, for some reason, for my good or the good of someone else.
I've got my nose fully pressed against the glass darkly. Praying for light.
I have had many days that I question God and get angry with God, but the only answer I can ever come up with is that ultimately he has a reason. We might not like the road we have to travel to find out why, but it is one we have to travel. Now that I am done spouting awful sounding cliches....I am sorry that you are going through a bad time. I wish I was there to give you a hug. I can't change things or make things better for you, but if I could I would. I guess what I am trying to say is not to give up hope. There is a reason, even if it is not clear to you right now. Things will get better. I have been through my fair share of hard times and questioned God every step of the way, but once I made it through those times I could look back and see why I had to go through that. I could see what it was that God wanted me to learn.
ReplyDeleteI declined to respond earlier to Sunday's post for fear of being included in the "Christian-ese platitude" category, but I share my thoughts now anyway.
ReplyDeleteAre we not also to share in the sufferings of Christ during our journey? I think the bible actually calls it "the FELLOWSHIP of his sufferings." We so readily embrace the promise of the blessings and grace, but when it comes to travail, agony, and separation from God we tend to want to avoid those parts. Jesus had never been apart from his Father, but on the cross God actually turned his back on him. How much more alone could someone be? I imagine that he yelled and screamed out at God also when he was in the garden. God was silent at the very height of Jesus' suffering when he cried out on the cross. The difference was that he did not despair, as we so often do. He endured the suffering for what he knew lay beyond. It only follows that we should also.
He is aware of you, and he is still there in the silence.